I just walked in the door from church. Beki and I picked up one of my best friends in the world, JBaugh and we went to Sheffield Family Life Center. It's one of only 3 churches that the halfway house allows its "clients" (that's what they call us) to attend. I was bummed out about this at first because I have so many waiting back in Kingsville to see me and praise God along side of me - it has been a long time coming! But rules are rules and I can only take what I got and maintain the best attitude I can through it. 

Like with this whole experience. I've put in so much work from day one. I've searched and searched for jobs and put in application after application (close to 70 in all!). It's been an uphill battle, what with all the rejection and the half-hearted interviews. It's about seeing the positive in it all though, I know this.

But I got to be real for a second and say it hasn't all been a bed of roses in this head of mine. Beki can attest that I have my fair share of bad moments. I have doubted my abilities, questioned my commitment, and even raised objection to the gift I have within me (at least the one Beki says she sees in me). There were moments when I thought it would have been easier to just have stayed in and accepted a release date of July. Yeah, it's been like that!

The hardest struggle, and this is for my guys still in, is the sense of helplessness. Like I can't do this. Or that somehow life is always going to be this hard because of my record. One thing that I deal with over and over is the sense of shame. And I know shame can be a good thing. John O'Leary said in his seminar once that we get an idea of who we are by knowing where we've been and using that to motivate us to be better men for our families and community. Though I must confess that where I've been is still where I'm at and that's a struggle to remain above the self-criticisms that seem to multiply. 

Thanks to Jesus though for giving me so much. Beki, God bless her, puts up with more than she should have to and is a wonderful partner in this tough fight back. I'm going to be at the top one day, she says. She has a trust in the goodness in me that I sometimes don't see.

 Today was one of those days when I see it though. The preacher at Sheffield spoke on Lazarus and it was fitting that he spoke on how often we want to carry the stench of death around with us. That death being our old lives; the death that keeps us from living life to the full. After all, didn't Christ call us from the tomb? Why go back in? 

Next week is a whole new opportunity. I'll be back to the grind filling out applications and walking the rough turf of K.C. I'll be witnessing for Christ in this building and living the light of the Gospel out in every encounter I have. I'll search the internet for openings and I'll keep on keeping on. Yeah, tomorrow's a new day.