February Sun

It was a rare spring like day in February and my family all gathered at the house on Genessee. Mom and dad were there bringing cheeseburgers. Grandpa was in town and there to show off his truck (A Ford, really?). Colton James was in tow, such a beautiful baby (fortunately he takes after his mom!). In addition were the 3 kids, Shawn the running tomato, Alex, Grayson (who is growing into a beautiful woman), Jack Cooper and April too. Beki and I played host to a house full. It was an amazing moment, a scene that I had dreamed of for many nights while behind the brick walls of Leavenworth. 

At one point I went upstairs all by myself. I had to collect myself, gather my bearings. Mostly it was to stop and thank God for His goodness. Some of  you can never understand this need to stop and wipe away the tears coming from my eye. Then again, some of you might. It comes from an overwhelming desire to be close to those I love. This is all a man ever dreams of behind bars. 
When I was living in sin I was caught in a selfish world. I cared little for anyone other than myself. If it didn't fit into my agenda or it didn't suit me I usually would avoid it with some lie or crazy tale I put myself through; all to avoid doing something for another person. This is sad considering how great my family really is. I guess it took prison to put that into perspective. 

In the middle of all this disregard for my family and the precious moments we could have shared together was people like my Grandpa. You see this man. He loves me unconditionally. Literally. He not once stopped loving me even in the middle of my own self-destruction. Oh, and you better believe he offered all the advice he could and the help he could to get me to stop. That's why yesterday, standing there next to him (in something other than khaki) was a moment of pure bliss for me. It was the start of me finally showing him I'm ready to give back, I'm ready to take life on God's terms and not my own. It was a time to embrace him, show him how thankful I am for all he is.

There were nights when the hurt of my failures kept me up. When all I wanted was to wake up and be standing in my front yard, surrounded by family and friends, loved ones and my wife. Those were the hardest times, the nights when I had all my decisions that led me to Leavenworth laid out in front of me; opened up and bare before my weeping eyes. A man, I found, never really discovers what's important to him until it is all torn away and he's pouring out his heart to God for just one day, just one day of closeness with Dad, Mom, Grandpa, Beki, the Kids. 

Then, then I wake up one day, after all that praying and pleading and I find myself standing in the midst of it so overwhelmed by it all I have the cheesiest smile donning my goofy mug. Tears of joy are coming and prayers of thanks are due. The funniest thing happens in that moment. I realize that life is really really really good. No matter the crazy political scene, the economy, Iran, Afghanistan, the state of sin...whatever. No matter any of that. All that matters is I love my family and crave more days when I can spend a Sunday afternoon with them, next to them enjoying the February sun.