She Said YES!!!

You couldn't tell by my outwardly stoic presence but the anxiety odometer was going haywire inside of me. I was as nervous as a cat and couldn't get my heart to stop beating so wildly if my life depended on it. 


So why was I nervous? Why the anxiety? I can't really answer that. Maybe it was a culmination of things. With me going back to Kingsville and seeing the new church for the first time 

coupled with the very first time I would actually get to sit and relax worry free of the time constraints put on me by the halfway house. Then there was that other thing I was anticipating. 
With all that was going on, meeting my new favorite aunt Jo, seeing Granny and Grandpa's place after so much time away, and hanging out with Pam knowing what I was about to do. 
Let me back this story up to about 3 years ago. I was sitting at a table (of course I was eating) and in walked a woman that not only turned my head but transformed my heart. She rounded the kitchen wall and our eyes met, forever impacting me from that moment forward. You could have asked me anything and I wouldn't have given you a straight answer. I was a bumbling fool in every sense of the word. It was a welcome aid when Granny said my name because I couldn't, for the life of me, think what it was. 


We talked about her mission to India and I think I was coherent enough to spit out, "You mean over there was like prehistoric stuff?" Later, on the way home I was slapping my forehead with the palm of my hand and repeating: "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" Really, "pre-historic?" I don't remember anything else of that conversation but I'll never forget those captivating eyes.

I thought it fitting that I should propose to that same beautiful woman in the very spot I laid eyes on her for the first time. I'd planned it since the day I knew I was going to marry her. It was there that I knew I should ask her to partner with me in the advancement of the Gospel. Because, after all, Beki and I are a lot stronger for Jesus together than we could ever be apart from one another. That's why I'm blessed to have her say yes. To know that she'd journey through the rest of her life next to me is pure joy. 

I hate to spoil a good movie plot but I was overjoyed when she said the most beautiful word I have ever heard......."YES!"

And Then...

Wednesday was one of my toughest days yet. I had a lot of temptations come my way. I mean some serious, old life junk that came flooding back. It seemed as though it would be rational to lapse back into that anger and contempt for life that I used to have.
Everyday before I came to a saving relationship with Christ was a challenge for me. I sought to just get through it. I didn't think about the future, nor did I plan for anything long term. Heck, I didn't expect to have a "long term." Honestly my life was one giant train heading for a cliff. So anger was easy for me; almost comfortable. Then there was self-pity which let me off the hook each time I felt like picking up drugs or running away from responsibility.

Those are all foreign to me now. They have become the exception not the norm as before. Which is why Wed. was so scarey for me. I felt I had a good handle on this whole re-entry thing and that the temptations that befall the normal person couldn't possibly effect me. And then there are days like yesterday which come out of nowhere.
It started with being denied a pass to get out to see my family this weekend. Then it was being denied the chance to go help my mentor Ralph volunteer at the Healing House. Then it was being told my job isn't valid. Then it was being told I'd have to quit because they (halfway house admin.) didn't accept said job. Then it was my foreman telling me I'm not a very good painter. Not that that is bad in itself, I just don't like being told I'm not good at something - makes me want to prove everyday that I am. Yet this time I couldn't because Dave (my foreman) hid all the paint brushes from me! Then I couldn't get in touch with anyone at the Union hall. Talk about a crooked organization! And then it was...

You get the point. Most of these problems, on any other day, I can brush off and not have a second thought as I continue in carefree naivety. For some reason though the emotions compounded and I was left to let the negative emotions - those once so familiar they defined me - snowball at an alarming rate.
Ever had an "And then..." day? More than you'd care for right? I believe strongly that there's a characteristic ingrained in each one of us which helps to fight back against those "And then..." days. I believe it was given to us by our Creator. It's something akin to togetherness. It's that part of each human that craves others' company. The togetherness I speak of is that part of us that needs other people in order to make it over the obstacles in life that seem to come out of nowhere.

Though I had a rough day it was through a few people stepping in, seeing my aggrevation and offering their help. It started first with Dave, my foreman, doing all he could to help me square away the halfway house with my job. Then it was my boss John giving me all the nessecary documantaion. Then it was Beki being the supportative partner telling me that no matter how chaotic the world is, no matter what I may be called, she's still there to tell me I'm great.
And Then...well, then I called my dad. Nothing beats the sound of my dad telling me he's proud of me. After all that I've been through, after all I've put him through, there's nothing more soothing than hearing my father say he's proud of me. It makes me feel young again; like a little kid who felt the safest place in all the world was right there in his fathers arms.

 And then, everything was just fine.