Title: His

Liar. Cheat. Swindler. Drunk. Bum. Drug addict. Loser. Screw up.

Those were the titles I once wore. When I hear someone saying them at random I still cringe a bit. There's that moment of hesitation that I get thinking they're talking about me in some back handed way. It never fails to elicit some sort of overwhelming sense of anguish and remorse.

Ever made terrible decisions? Stupid question right. Well, what if your whole life was one stupid decision after another? That's what mine was my first 27 years (or that's how I view them). I amassed nothing but regret and accomplished little but a faded memory.

So how do you move past the past? You're not going to find the answer here. I haven't a clue myself. I'm no expert on healing open wounds nor am I trained in teaching anyone how to forgive themselves because at times I don't think I've forgiven myself. My regrets run so deep that still today I get overly emotional when it comes to building a foundation I should have started 12 years ago, the day I decided to join the military instead of going to college.

I wish there were some switch that could turn off memories or there was some way I could erase parts of my existence like it never happened. Then there are the ever pressing realizations that I could have been so much more than I was being and I search in vain for that eraser. It's funny how when you want something out of your head it seems to stick all the more. The thoughts multiply: I blew off savings; I blew off relationships; I blew off my education; I blew off a career.

Ambassador. Beloved. Priest. Judge. Friend. Redeemed. Minister. Blessed. Saved.

These are all titles God gives to those who are in Christ. My friend Shawn Sanchez put it like this, "I've been called a lot of things, druggie, loser, jerk, but I've never been called an ambassador! For that I can stand a little straighter." Our God is willing to call us that? How great is our God!?

But it's not of my own doing. I've done nothing to earn those titles. I sure don't deserve them. Maybe that's why I rage against my flesh so much when I consider the past. It's like I go into this tailspin of compunction even though I know I'm redeemed through His cross. It's as Paul says of his actions, "I do what I don't want to do and what I want to do I do not do." (that's a lot of do's). I can understand his words afresh when I consider what this regret does to me. Since I don't deserve it I somehow faintly think I don't have it.

 I do want to sing songs of joy and live a freed life and be reminded all the time that I am a new creation. Yet there is that ugly side, that voice who calls me a loser and tells me I'll never make it and to be sure all I have to do is look at the track record. Then there are the times I take it out on my wife. She's the last person that deserves to hear me rant about failed dreams. She thinks I'm great and is confused by my depressive nature. Poor girl, I hope she continues to see me through the eyes of God.

It's like this. I know I can't change my past nor can I be rid of these memories. What I can do is keep pressing on for the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt Jesus took my deserved punishment. What I struggle with is common and all too often can beat people into the ground. I know that this war is not with flesh and blood but a spiritual battle only won by turning to the resurrected Christ.

I know I won't magically wake up tomorrow and be free of guilt and shame but I do know that I'll wake to be called His. And that's enough to keep moving forward.

Reason We Marry

Preach This:

It was a rainy morning as I sat in the truck with a guy I work with. We sat parked on Hospital Hill talking while we waited to start the day. The windows fogged over as we watched for the first employee to arrive to let us in. It was good to spend time with him even if it was a brief moment.

Without breaking confidence I want to share a little bit about the guy without going into great detail. See, he had a “relationship” with a gal. That gal happens to be married still. “In the process of divorce” he tells me. Then there is another man she lives with, “But they’re not together,” he adds. On top of it she lives in another state. She came up to visit one time. Shortly after her arrival back home she called to inform him of her pregnancy.

That’s as far as I want to go into his life. As you can tell by just reading the brief synopsis his life plays out like a story in far too many young men’s lives. He meets a girl. The girl has issues. He has issues. They fall in lust and another child is brought into the world out of wedlock and in poverty. Not your typical ingredients for success.

But here’s my point; here’s what I want to talk about. You see, I sat there wondering what to say. Should I remain silent? Should I listen and say nothing further? Should I rebuke him and tell call him an idiot for falling into a trap set by himself?

I’ve talked to him on numerous occasions about the road he is headed down; this time however he really done it. He’s been kicked out of his residence, he has no money, he fights with this woman constantly, she has drug problems, she is controlling, he tells her so – you know, same old story when two people put their clothes on and realize that they don’t have much in common with the person they just had sex with.

The Paul in me wanted to lash out into a Corinthian-esque rebuke of Biblical proportions. I wanted to scream , “I TOLD YOU!” But in that moment I am reminded of what John MacArthur taught: We are not to preach morality but Jesus. We are not to talk about do’s and dont’s but rather the Gospel. We are not to give a list of wrongdoing and judge but rather talk about the One who can free the spirit: Jesus.

In a world where sin is ever snowballing and the end draws near, I must be reminded that I am to preach the Gospel message of freedom in Christ first, then discipleship second. How can I lead anyone to Jesus if first I give them a list of proper living? That’s not Christianity. Christianity is to know nothing but Christ and Him crucified. It is after one draws near to the Cross they find an inner drawing to live a life worthy of the call. But first, I know, the call must be made known.