Title: His

Liar. Cheat. Swindler. Drunk. Bum. Drug addict. Loser. Screw up.

Those were the titles I once wore. When I hear someone saying them at random I still cringe a bit. There's that moment of hesitation that I get thinking they're talking about me in some back handed way. It never fails to elicit some sort of overwhelming sense of anguish and remorse.

Ever made terrible decisions? Stupid question right. Well, what if your whole life was one stupid decision after another? That's what mine was my first 27 years (or that's how I view them). I amassed nothing but regret and accomplished little but a faded memory.

So how do you move past the past? You're not going to find the answer here. I haven't a clue myself. I'm no expert on healing open wounds nor am I trained in teaching anyone how to forgive themselves because at times I don't think I've forgiven myself. My regrets run so deep that still today I get overly emotional when it comes to building a foundation I should have started 12 years ago, the day I decided to join the military instead of going to college.

I wish there were some switch that could turn off memories or there was some way I could erase parts of my existence like it never happened. Then there are the ever pressing realizations that I could have been so much more than I was being and I search in vain for that eraser. It's funny how when you want something out of your head it seems to stick all the more. The thoughts multiply: I blew off savings; I blew off relationships; I blew off my education; I blew off a career.

Ambassador. Beloved. Priest. Judge. Friend. Redeemed. Minister. Blessed. Saved.

These are all titles God gives to those who are in Christ. My friend Shawn Sanchez put it like this, "I've been called a lot of things, druggie, loser, jerk, but I've never been called an ambassador! For that I can stand a little straighter." Our God is willing to call us that? How great is our God!?

But it's not of my own doing. I've done nothing to earn those titles. I sure don't deserve them. Maybe that's why I rage against my flesh so much when I consider the past. It's like I go into this tailspin of compunction even though I know I'm redeemed through His cross. It's as Paul says of his actions, "I do what I don't want to do and what I want to do I do not do." (that's a lot of do's). I can understand his words afresh when I consider what this regret does to me. Since I don't deserve it I somehow faintly think I don't have it.

 I do want to sing songs of joy and live a freed life and be reminded all the time that I am a new creation. Yet there is that ugly side, that voice who calls me a loser and tells me I'll never make it and to be sure all I have to do is look at the track record. Then there are the times I take it out on my wife. She's the last person that deserves to hear me rant about failed dreams. She thinks I'm great and is confused by my depressive nature. Poor girl, I hope she continues to see me through the eyes of God.

It's like this. I know I can't change my past nor can I be rid of these memories. What I can do is keep pressing on for the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt Jesus took my deserved punishment. What I struggle with is common and all too often can beat people into the ground. I know that this war is not with flesh and blood but a spiritual battle only won by turning to the resurrected Christ.

I know I won't magically wake up tomorrow and be free of guilt and shame but I do know that I'll wake to be called His. And that's enough to keep moving forward.