Monster or Saint???

I wrote some time back about needing to forgive myself in order to not become a prisoner of my past but rather a product. In it I talked about how moving forward can only come if I know that I'm not that same person; knowing full well I'll never do the things I once did e.g, drink, drug, fight.
But I have a record.
I have a file that talks about how "horrible Jeff Lee was (and some say is)."
In it I have people I only briefly conversed with telling other people who don't know me how awful a person I am and how I attempted to wreck lives.
Every bit of it paints me as this monster never fit for society.
Was I that way - Am I still?
There it is, the real question I'm asking myself this morning as I study God's word. Yesterday someone in a professional setting told me I act as though I don't own my past or that I make it out to be something less than what it was. Minimizing it.
The worst part was not the accuasation, it was the assumption.
I've worked my butt off to live right for the last 5 years. It's been tough. I've been slapped. I've been spit on. I've been pushed around by a crowd. Punched in the face. Called a name that every prisoner must fight over (and I didn't!). I've had drugs offered to me. I've been given the opportunity for alcohol numereous times and I've worked 2 houses down from an old drug house I used to frequent.
Changed? Monster? Me?
Some people will never be able to look past my record and see what I've done lately instead of what I've done. They'll judge me first by a list of crimes and not a list of good deeds. That's the disadvantage we who have to integrate back into society face with every job interview, every counselor's b.s., every probation officer, and every stranger.
That's what makes it hard. That's why yesterday I was in a bad bad place emotionally and was forced to ask the question, "Was I really a monster? Am I still capable?"

The times I live for Today. 

The first place I ran to was my Lord. The second - my wife. Nothing like a loving spouse to remind you of who you really are. She affirmed my fears and reminded me that some times people don't want to see the good in others. That it's the bad some want to focus on more than the good all to make themselves feel better. But that I have shown in more ways than one that I am not a monster.

Beki reminded me that I'm not who I was. God affirms that yes, I was a bad person, solely because I didn't have a relationship with Him. Now that I do, I'm a saint washed in the blood of Jesus, being worked for every good deed, demonstrating my faith through my works and waking up each day to impact my world for Christ.

HoneyMoon Adventures Part 6

On our way home last night Dad called and gave us some good advice on where to go to have some fun. He also said something really wise: "Now that you've dragged that woman on a crazy walk in the Kansas heat and you've made her follow you on crazy mountain trails AND you've made her go to the golf course with you, it should be her choice as to what to do from here on out."

Taking that advice I let Beki choose our day. Waking up at 7 in the morning (WHILE ON VACATION!!) may have been a drag but there was a great pay off in the end. See, up here in the mountains they have afternoon thundershowers everyday that come and go; if you're stuck on a hike in the middle of one you'll have to seek cover and if there's none, well, plan on getting soaked. Beki strategically planned a trip up Lookout Mountain before we would be dripping wet from the rain.

Should I be concerned about her obsession?

I don't know why, and this is completely random coming from her, she wanted to go to the Buffalo Bill Cody museum. The trip up there was worth the view from the top as we could see for hundreds of miles. Oh, and then there was the museum that we went to. The worst part for me - and the best for her - was when she made me dress like a cowboy, chaps and all in the middle of a huge crowd while a little girl on the fake horse seemed to want to rope me.

Lookout Mountain

Afterwards we climbed up to the top where Buffalo Bill was laid to rest and had the best fudge one could ever imagine. And what tour would be complete without a huge bus unloading hundreds of Japanese tourists with their flashing cameras off? I tell you what, they were intent on seeing Buffalo Bill because they practically took Beki and I out as we were leaving the parking lot. With their cameras at the ready and excitement in their voices they barreled up to the entrance like I did looking for some fudge.

Then it was off to Red Rocks where we hiked every trail imaginable before coming to the Red Rocks Amphitheatre where some guy named Kaskade was getting ready for a show. Unfortunately we missed Jack White by 7 days :-(.

After the hike we showered and went across town for some delectable Indian food that was to die for. I'm always up for new things and seeing as how Beki just loves food from India we had to go. I won't disgust you with what it happened to do to my bowels though!

Later we went down town in hopes of catching Beki's favorite play, "Little Shop of Horrors" but instead opted for the 4 person show called, "I love you, Your Perfect, Now Change." We laughed for the whole 3 hours as the cast put on a show about the travails of singleness, dating, marriage and ultimately old age. It was a wonderful Play we enjoyed thoroughly.

Day 6 came to a close and one more day remains before we head off to see Barrett once again, Meet the Glover family to drop off the bikes and pick Terri Arnold up from the bus station. Yes, Colorado has been an enjoyable experience that I don't want to end. Hopefully though, I can sleep in tomorrow!

HoneyMoon Adventure Part 5

Today's my birthday - woo hoo! No, wait. NOOOO! I thought we had a deal God!! The rest were supposed to get old and I stay 30 forever!

I guess now I'll just say I'm 30...ish. I can't believe that I've made it over that hill and now am considered old by 18 year old standards. Now I'm the old guy, the "grown up." Now I can say that I've moved beyond childhood and I guess now I have to be an "adult."

No matter. Turning 31 seems like any other day. Funny I hadn't celebrated a birthday since I was 13 years old. I remember turning 14. I had worked all day at Highlands Golf Club and when I finally got off I drove over to Country Side Park to hang out with the regular crowd of Park hoppers - back then it was all there was to do in Hutchinson, KS. I happened to mention my birthday in passing and someone say, "It's really your birthday, wow." And that was the extent.

Though I don't mean to sound as though no one remembers me on this day - how could mom ever forget the excruciating pain of this day 31 years ago! And I never fail to get a call from dad first thing, he sings me a song every year. Then there is Noah B. Fast who has always remembered even when I forget his so often like I do. (I'm terrible with b-days by the way)

Yesterday I was woken to a special card and 3 of my favorite things in the world: Highlighters (I'm obsessed with highlighting everything I read), Cheesecake, and a note that said: "Redeem for any book of your choice." SCORE! Beki knows my heart. But it didn't stop there, "We can do anything you'd like today." She said.

So that meant Golf. We played a public course downtown with a beautiful view of the Denver skyline. Beki, for the first time ever, played golf with me and we had a blast. She took to the game like a natural (must take after her mom!) and even nearly putted a 15 footer in for birdie.

After Golf we played nerds and hung out at the local Barnes and Noble until it was time to go eat. I'd have to say this was my best birthday ever. Why? Because it was my first as a married man and Beki did all she could to make it feel special. Now I know why we bumbling fools - better known as men - get married. Life is so much sweeter waking up with a woman standing beside me. That way, I never miss a birthday party.