No Matter the Journey

Each day that I awoke behind that looming 40 foot wall that surrounds the four perimeters of USP Leavenworth I promised myself I would never return once I left. I made a vow that I'd do whatever it took to walk the straight and narrow - I wouldn't even jaywalk if it meant fostering my freedom! So to get the news that I might have broken that promise, that I may have done something to jeopardize the precious time I have with my wife, I was devastated. 

Ever have a day when you don't feel like getting out of bed? I'm not talking about that Monday morning feeling when the weekend went too fast. No, I mean I didn't want to move. I was gripped by so many emotions, all of them troubling. On the one hand I was in dread over being away from Beki. And speaking of which, she is the one who accidentally gave me the prescribed cough syrup. I mean come on, who ever consciously thinks about codine or morphine in cough syrup when their husband is sick and you get it out of your mom's medicine cabinet? Then there was the embarrassment I would face over disgracing my God; because when it all comes down to it, it is Him that I dishonor when my testimony fails due to the lack of obedience. And really, who would believe a returning con's story that his wife fed him cough syrup and that is the reason he went back to prison? 

Needless to say I didn't want to face a world that would: 1) not believe me when I say I didn't do anything. 2) Would wonder if my life in Christ is really real. 3) Have doubts about my change from degenerate to regenerated. Because, after all, what world ever gives the returning probationee/returning prisoner the benefit of the doubt? and 4) Lose my job at City Union Mission where I counsel men on how to stay drug free and crime free. In that case let me add 5) Being considered a hypocrite because I preach and counsel about the dangers of drug use yet returned to prison for a failed UA!

So I would lay there, motionless, screaming in my head and asking why. I moped around the house and sought menial tasks to occupy my despondent mind. However, I sought to wipe the chagrin off as soon as I'd see Beki, for she was having as hard a time dealing with this as I was. I would remind her of my friend John Caudell's email and how no matter the outcome God was working through the situation to advance His kingdom; we just had to remain obedient in the face of this test. 

To make matters worse I am faced with the mortality of my Grandpa Powers who is going in for a risky surgery come Monday. Beki and I will be driving down down to Hutch tomorrow. In addition, Midwestern has seemed to drop the ball on more than one occasion with my schooling and has proven to me that some of its staff are no different than a secular institution. And my hours at City Union Mission have been cut tremendously in the face of a request for more shifts. Oh, and I think I'm going bald! 

Through all that, I realize those last things are a part of life - a freed life. I know that death is guaranteed and in the shuffle of paperwork a needy student may be overlooked. I know that God will protect my finances and give me just what I need and Beki will still love me even if all my hair falls out. Those are small potatoes in the bigger picture. Even going back to prison is small potatoes when I consider the larger scope of this life and what it means to live for God rather than for self. God often leads us into uncomfortable situations and asks of us what may seem impossible. I cannot question that direction nor can I determine tomorrow's outcome. What I can focus on is today and know that if I live by my life's mission statement: Work Hard - Live Pure - Leave the Rest to God, all will turn out in the end for His glory. After all, our life is not to be lived chasing after comfort but rather striving for a Christ centered existence, no matter what road we must walk down to get there.  

No Matter the Journey

Each day that I awoke behind that looming 40 foot wall that surrounds the four perimeters of USP Leavenworth I promised myself I would never return once I left. I made a vow that I'd do whatever it took to walk the straight and narrow - I wouldn't even jaywalk if it meant fostering my freedom! So to get the news that I might have broken that promise, that I may have done something to jeopardize the precious time I have with my wife, I was devastated. 

Ever have a day when you don't feel like getting out of bed? I'm not talking about that Monday morning feeling when the weekend went too fast. No, I mean I didn't want to move. I was gripped by so many emotions, all of them troubling. On the one hand I was in dread over being away from Beki. And speaking of which, she is the one who accidentally gave me the prescribed cough syrup. I mean come on, who ever consciously thinks about codine or morphine in cough syrup when their husband is sick and you get it out of your mom's medicine cabinet? Then there was the embarrassment I would face over disgracing my God; because when it all comes down to it, it is Him that I dishonor when my testimony fails due to the lack of obedience. And really, who would believe a returning con's story that his wife fed him cough syrup and that is the reason he went back to prison? 

Needless to say I didn't want to face a world that would: 1) not believe me when I say I didn't do anything. 2) Would wonder if my life in Christ is really real. 3) Have doubts about my change from degenerate to regenerated. Because, after all, what world ever gives the returning probationee/returning prisoner the benefit of the doubt? and 4) Lose my job at City Union Mission where I counsel men on how to stay drug free and crime free. In that case let me add 5) Being considered a hypocrite because I preach and counsel about the dangers of drug use yet returned to prison for a failed UA!

So I would lay there, motionless, screaming in my head and asking why. I moped around the house and sought menial tasks to occupy my despondent mind. However, I sought to wipe the chagrin off as soon as I'd see Beki, for she was having as hard a time dealing with this as I was. I would remind her of my friend John Caudell's email and how no matter the outcome God was working through the situation to advance His kingdom; we just had to remain obedient in the face of this test. 

To make matters worse I am faced with the mortality of my Grandpa Powers who is going in for a risky surgery come Monday. Beki and I will be driving down down to Hutch tomorrow. In addition, Midwestern has seemed to drop the ball on more than one occasion with my schooling and has proven to me that some of its staff are no different than a secular institution. And my hours at City Union Mission have been cut tremendously in the face of a request for more shifts. Oh, and I think I'm going bald! 

Through all that, I realize those last things are a part of life - a freed life. I know that death is guaranteed and in the shuffle of paperwork a needy student may be overlooked. I know that God will protect my finances and give me just what I need and Beki will still love me even if all my hair falls out. Those are small potatoes in the bigger picture. Even going back to prison is small potatoes when I consider the larger scope of this life and what it means to live for God rather than for self. God often leads us into uncomfortable situations and asks of us what may seem impossible. I cannot question that direction nor can I determine tomorrow's outcome. What I can focus on is today and know that if I live by my life's mission statement: Work Hard - Live Pure - Leave the Rest to God, all will turn out in the end for His glory. After all, our life is not to be lived chasing after comfort but rather striving for a Christ centered existence, no matter what road we must walk down to get there.  

No Matter the Journey

Each day that I awoke behind that looming 40 foot wall that surrounds the four perimeters of USP Leavenworth I promised myself I would never return once I left. I made a vow that I'd do whatever it took to walk the straight and narrow - I wouldn't even jaywalk if it meant fostering my freedom! So to get the news that I might have broken that promise, that I may have done something to jeopardize the precious time I have with my wife, I was devastated. 

Ever have a day when you don't feel like getting out of bed? I'm not talking about that Monday morning feeling when the weekend went too fast. No, I mean I didn't want to move. I was gripped by so many emotions, all of them troubling. On the one hand I was in dread over being away from Beki. And speaking of which, she is the one who accidentally gave me the prescribed cough syrup. I mean come on, who ever consciously thinks about codine or morphine in cough syrup when their husband is sick and you get it out of your mom's medicine cabinet? Then there was the embarrassment I would face over disgracing my God; because when it all comes down to it, it is Him that I dishonor when my testimony fails due to the lack of obedience. And really, who would believe a returning con's story that his wife fed him cough syrup and that is the reason he went back to prison? 

Needless to say I didn't want to face a world that would: 1) not believe me when I say I didn't do anything. 2) Would wonder if my life in Christ is really real. 3) Have doubts about my change from degenerate to regenerated. Because, after all, what world ever gives the returning probationee/returning prisoner the benefit of the doubt? and 4) Lose my job at City Union Mission where I counsel men on how to stay drug free and crime free. In that case let me add 5) Being considered a hypocrite because I preach and counsel about the dangers of drug use yet returned to prison for a failed UA!

So I would lay there, motionless, screaming in my head and asking why. I moped around the house and sought menial tasks to occupy my despondent mind. However, I sought to wipe the chagrin off as soon as I'd see Beki, for she was having as hard a time dealing with this as I was. I would remind her of my friend John Caudell's email and how no matter the outcome God was working through the situation to advance His kingdom; we just had to remain obedient in the face of this test. 

To make matters worse I am faced with the mortality of my Grandpa Powers who is going in for a risky surgery come Monday. Beki and I will be driving down down to Hutch tomorrow. In addition, Midwestern has seemed to drop the ball on more than one occasion with my schooling and has proven to me that some of its staff are no different than a secular institution. And my hours at City Union Mission have been cut tremendously in the face of a request for more shifts. Oh, and I think I'm going bald! 

Through all that, I realize those last things are a part of life - a freed life. I know that death is guaranteed and in the shuffle of paperwork a needy student may be overlooked. I know that God will protect my finances and give me just what I need and Beki will still love me even if all my hair falls out. Those are small potatoes in the bigger picture. Even going back to prison is small potatoes when I consider the larger scope of this life and what it means to live for God rather than for self. God often leads us into uncomfortable situations and asks of us what may seem impossible. I cannot question that direction nor can I determine tomorrow's outcome. What I can focus on is today and know that if I live by my life's mission statement: Work Hard - Live Pure - Leave the Rest to God, all will turn out in the end for His glory. After all, our life is not to be lived chasing after comfort but rather striving for a Christ centered existence, no matter what road we must walk down to get there.  

Honest Calling

I had to really push myself today and decide what was most important in my life. Today was the first time I was truly honest with myself and with the person "interviewing" me for a position. That honesty allowed for me to set my priorities straight and find out how important my calling is in relation to chasing after a dollar. Before it was always about earning a buck and not telling the truth about not wanting to sacrifice what's important in my life so I can get the job. 
A friend of mine gave me an opportunity to pick up some work and scheduled me to sit down in an interview to see if I would be willing to work for their company. It's not the ministry and it's not carpentry but I knew I could use the extra dollars as times can be tough now days.
The interview got cut short - 2 minutes in all. Reason being is I was asked to fill a position that required me to be at the behest of this man 24/7. The question that ended the meeting so quick: "What about working Sunday?"
You can guess what my answer was. Seems my priorities weren't adjusted to what the job duties called for.
Being honest about who I am and being obedient to what God has called me for has defined my life over the course of this season. I've reassessed what I have been given and what direction I've been led and that calls for some serious sacrifice when it comes to jobs, money and the potential to have possessions I long for. But who would I be if it were not a minister? Who would I be if I didn't use what talents and abilities the Lord has blessed me with?
I know God places on each of us a position, a title, a duty, a calling if you will, that mission we must do with all that is in us be it a doctor, lawyer, mom, roofer or farmer. I know that the times are tough and money makes the world go round but what about God's command to let tomorrow worry about itself and to not serve money as though it were what makes life life?
I wish that the ministry paid well. I wish that pastors (Biblically minded pastors!) earned what they were worth. I wish that school wasn't so expensive and time consuming. But I also wish that I would be so bold enough to place His priorities above even the chance to make lots of money!
My dad picked up this proverb from his Grandpa and passed it on to me, "Find out what you love to do and you'll never work a day in your life." That seems to be where I'm at right now. I only hope that while chasing after Him, I don't miss the biggest ministry opportunity any man is given: caring for his family. 

The New New Year

2012 has gone and it was quite the year. I sit and I contemplate the moments of last year and I'm never amazed at how much has happened, how much has come and how different my life looks now in comparison to this time one year ago.

Alvarez, Shawn Sanchez and Myself

The hardened men of the Leather shop

My Mentor Ralph Maser

The USP Leavenworth Softball All-Stars

I woke up this time last year in a prison cell in A cell house Leavenworth. The anticipation and anxiety that consumed me was enough to drive me out of my mind. I had so many thoughts of what life could look like that I laid awake most nights tossing as the images of a life I never lived danced past my closed eyes. Here I had spent 3 years being told what to do and when to do it with very little freedom for my own choices; now I had to think about a job, responsibility and making a life for myself that seemed so foreign. The questions were many, "Could I do it? Will I screw it up? Will I fall back into the same patterns?" That confident part of me thought I had it all figured out, as though in hindsight there wasn't going to be any difficulty in the transition from living a life as an outlaw to a responsible driven man of Christ.

The Christians of LVN

My Friends visiting

Little did I know how difficult it would be. I was faced with 6 months of endless torment from a facility that existed to help yet somewhere in there functioning forgot that fact. January through July I was continually at the mercy of counselors and case managers who were hardened to the difficulty of reintegration and decided that it was easier to send men back to prison than to allow them the assistance needed to change their lives.

My hero Chaplain Hughes

But I made it. I saw a change in the attitudes of the staff responsible for my care and watched as they were stunned by my submissive attitude with each overwhelming command they gave. See, I resolved early on to never respond out of anger towards anyone. Being in Leavenworth gave me a lot of time to think and build a character that had its foundation built on living out the principles of Scripture: bless when cursed, love when hated, seek peace and be compelled by Christ.
It was through that surrendering the situation to God that I was allowed to marry the woman of my dreams when it looked like it wasn't going to happen. God blessed me in spite of the situation and I was able to see one of the best days of my life happen on April 29, 2012.

The first day I met my Nephew

It has been...joyously tough being married. I say joyous because I have never felt so sure of God, myself, and my future like I am standing next to Beki. I say tough because I've never had to be accountable to another human being before. When problems arose I just drowned them in drugs or left them in a cloud of dust as my tires laid was of the pavement.Now I face challenge and work though problems as one part of a two part life.

She never missed a weekend

Through this holy union I've come to know a life I never thought possible. 2012 has been the first year since high school (aside from prison) that I have stayed in one place. It has been the first year that I have welcomed the thought of waking up each day under the same roof, with the same person, with the same friends. 2012 has been the first year where I finally felt a sense of belonging in a world once too foreign.
I know there are many this time of year who set out to make resolutions and they come up with grand ideas to change their lives. I used to do that, mostly it involved promising myself never to use drugs again or resolving to make a different life in a different town with different people. We could spend hours thinking about the many different ways to change ourselves but I prefer not to do that. I'd rather focus only on becoming a better version of me by, as my father in-law says, "Living out of my heart and making each day matter." Because no matter what may come in 2013, it is far better than where I spent most of 2012, and all of 2011, 2010, and 2009.