Each day that I awoke behind that looming 40 foot wall that surrounds the four perimeters of USP Leavenworth I promised myself I would never return once I left. I made a vow that I'd do whatever it took to walk the straight and narrow - I wouldn't even jaywalk if it meant fostering my freedom! So to get the news that I might have broken that promise, that I may have done something to jeopardize the precious time I have with my wife, I was devastated.
Ever have a day when you don't feel like getting out of bed? I'm not talking about that Monday morning feeling when the weekend went too fast. No, I mean I didn't want to move. I was gripped by so many emotions, all of them troubling. On the one hand I was in dread over being away from Beki. And speaking of which, she is the one who accidentally gave me the prescribed cough syrup. I mean come on, who ever consciously thinks about codine or morphine in cough syrup when their husband is sick and you get it out of your mom's medicine cabinet? Then there was the embarrassment I would face over disgracing my God; because when it all comes down to it, it is Him that I dishonor when my testimony fails due to the lack of obedience. And really, who would believe a returning con's story that his wife fed him cough syrup and that is the reason he went back to prison?
Needless to say I didn't want to face a world that would: 1) not believe me when I say I didn't do anything. 2) Would wonder if my life in Christ is really real. 3) Have doubts about my change from degenerate to regenerated. Because, after all, what world ever gives the returning probationee/returning prisoner the benefit of the doubt? and 4) Lose my job at City Union Mission where I counsel men on how to stay drug free and crime free. In that case let me add 5) Being considered a hypocrite because I preach and counsel about the dangers of drug use yet returned to prison for a failed UA!
So I would lay there, motionless, screaming in my head and asking why. I moped around the house and sought menial tasks to occupy my despondent mind. However, I sought to wipe the chagrin off as soon as I'd see Beki, for she was having as hard a time dealing with this as I was. I would remind her of my friend John Caudell's email and how no matter the outcome God was working through the situation to advance His kingdom; we just had to remain obedient in the face of this test.
To make matters worse I am faced with the mortality of my Grandpa Powers who is going in for a risky surgery come Monday. Beki and I will be driving down down to Hutch tomorrow. In addition, Midwestern has seemed to drop the ball on more than one occasion with my schooling and has proven to me that some of its staff are no different than a secular institution. And my hours at City Union Mission have been cut tremendously in the face of a request for more shifts. Oh, and I think I'm going bald!
Through all that, I realize those last things are a part of life - a freed life. I know that death is guaranteed and in the shuffle of paperwork a needy student may be overlooked. I know that God will protect my finances and give me just what I need and Beki will still love me even if all my hair falls out. Those are small potatoes in the bigger picture. Even going back to prison is small potatoes when I consider the larger scope of this life and what it means to live for God rather than for self. God often leads us into uncomfortable situations and asks of us what may seem impossible. I cannot question that direction nor can I determine tomorrow's outcome. What I can focus on is today and know that if I live by my life's mission statement: Work Hard - Live Pure - Leave the Rest to God, all will turn out in the end for His glory. After all, our life is not to be lived chasing after comfort but rather striving for a Christ centered existence, no matter what road we must walk down to get there.
Mistakes happen in life. It is how we handle our mistakes and rebound that give our testimony to Christ. Even when we think we are out of harm's reach, we must always stay vigilant. The liar from the lions den is always on the prowl waiting to devour the unsuspecting. Even the most faithful of men are put to the test, remember Lot? Hold strong in your faith always because being a man of faith sets you apart from a man of this world. It doesnt make us better than anyone but it is our duty to recycle the cycle of knowledge we have been blessed with. From your blog I'm understanding you may have to go back for a bit. Well maybe that is because someone is needing your help, your words. Perhaps it is a test, either way, remember to always be vigilant. The devourer will never rest until you are back with him, his game will never cease but you can always be reassured because the love of Christ will never cease either.
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