Judge Jarvey

I sat trembling in the courtroom at the federal building in Davenport, IA. The intimidation coupled with the unknown caused my heart to beat with intense speed. The Judge sat with hands that held a pair of reading glasses supporting his cheek. "Mr. Lee," he began. "You have come so far..."
I have to stop there. See, this was July of 2009. For the last 9 months I'd been waiting for this moment, waiting to find out what fate had in store. So in all that time I slipped into this walking depression mode that I masked with Jesus, a smile and chocalate cake (I wieghed 260!). In that time my life took so many positive turns amidst all that bad: met Beki, fell in love with Jesus, met SE Moore, became a member of Kingsville Baptist, wrote 2 books, all really good stuff.
So here I sat, a man who went from a reckless crackhead to a responsible, church attending, God loving Jesus Freak; but that still didn't ease the pressure of knowing my life was in the hands of this man in a black robe sitting on an over sized podium.
He went on. "I have to say that I'm impressed with your change. Your faith I know is genuine and it's a testemant to how far you've come," There was a long pause..."But...the sentencing guidelines are what they are and I'm going to give you 45 months."
Ouch. The sound moved like a wave, hitting my heart before it reached my ear drums. My soul seemed to hear it first and in that moment, life suddenly made sense. I know it sounds crazy but it was an epiphany like experience. I knew what my life was about in that very moment, clarity, understanding. life coming full circle to meet us right where we are. Don't ask me to explain it. It is the really powerful moments in life that words never do justice.
"I want you to use this as a learning experience Mr. Lee," his words I barely remember as the baliffs slapped cuffs on me. "You have the chance to get out and impact other young men headed down this path and you'll be able to use your life as a way to reach them. I have confidence that you'll use this to help kids Mr. Lee." I think that's what he said. The memories are cloudy. I had so much adreniline pumping through my veins.
I have something to say to Judge Jarvey. I thank you for your confidence. And you were right, I have had this experience turn into a good thing for my life. But I dont' want to impact just kids, I want to reach the world with the message that Jesus lives and hell doesn't have to be our eternity because He stands in our place. So each day I want to look back and remember, that even though the man handed me 4 years hard time I still can honestly say he had my best interests at heart. There is no doubt he is there to judge so that society can be protected, but in my case I'd like to beleive he was serving justice by looking out for my future and what I can do by living for Christ.

Prisoner or Product

I sat on the hill of dirt, freshly dug by my blistered hands. I'd been at it all day long. The hot California sun beat down upon my sweat soaked face as I let out a sigh. The pressure I'd been under, coupled with the thought of what lay ahead made the sun feel even more intense. This was day 4 of another week's worth of digging. With the trouble I was in I'd be digging until I was discharged from the beloved Corps; that is unless they put me on "crapper duty."
As I sat begrudging my current plight and the unknown future I noticed a favorite S.Sgt of mine coming up the hill. "Oh great," I thought. "He's here to tell me to get back to work."
"Lee!" He raised his voice 100 feet before he came to me. "What cha doin Lee?" He asked with his thick North Carolinian draw as he pulled up beside me, adjusting his trousers as he sat on the dirt next to me. He reached into his tigh pocket and pulled out an ice cold bottle of water handing it to me. "Lee, what's wrong with you man?"
I wanted to give some smart remark, respond with an attitude but I had a lot of respect for this guy. So I said nothing, quietly wondering if he too had thought of me as a failure, a screw up, a disgrace. "Lee," he started. "I see you mopin roun here all sad. Listen up son. How long did that incident last? What, 30 seconds? Now you've been a Marine for three years now and your record is outstanding. So, you get in trouble for 30 seconds but spend 3 years doing what's right. I'm no genius but I'd say you's more a success than a failure."
Looking back after many years since that day and the many memories, I've come to believe that I'm more than my bad choices. Believe me, I've done some really stupid stuff and made people ask the question "Why," and "How" I could "be so foolish." Recently I was contacted by an old, very dear friend. She reached out to me and I was not only suprised to hear from her but also relieved that she was still around and willing to forgive me for the hauting moments we had, wasting our lives chasing a drug to fill the void in our hearts.
So I look back on who I was and what I'd done in those days of hard partying and useless chasing after drugs and the words, "Forgive and you'll be forgiven" take a whole new meaning. I know now a lot of forgiveness that is necessary must come from me forgiving myself. It was crucial to my recovery and the subsequent growth as a Christian minister to not only recognize the hurt I caused myself and others but forgive myself for it. Because afterall, living with a tether to the past makes us prisoners to it and not merely products of it.
So to that friend, who had the amazing father, I say thank you for reminding me not only of who I was, but who I've become in spite of it. I am not proud of who I was in that maddening life but it was a brief moment in the larger scheme of life and I'm no genius but I'd say I have a lot more opportunities for succes rather than failure as I know you do too.

Hold on to what you have

What do I have right now? Not much. I mean, I know in this life we're not supposed to hold on to our "stuff" not store up treasures as Jesus tells us. But I'm looking at the things I do have (tangibly) and to be honest I don't have, like my dad says, even a pot to pee in. I drive an old beater truck that leaks gasoline. I have an old pair of work boots busting at the seams. I live in my parents back room and I am typing on a borrowed computer. By the time I pay the halfway house their cut of my paycheck and put the gas in my truck that has somehow leaked out I don't have but a few bucks.
Nope. I don't have much by way of "treasure."
I list all that I have (tangibly) and I'm not shocked the list is small.
What do I have though that means something?
Does the car I drive determine my self-worth? Nope.
Does my bank account prove what kind of man I am? Nope.
Does the clothes I wear make me more of a success? Nope.
Then I guess I shouldn't put much stock into asking what I have tangibly. Instead I should consider all the things I have that mean something.
Like Love.
I have love. I have a beautiful wife that adores me to no end. That's worth more than any treasure of gold.
I have family. They love me unconditionally and will never leave my side. (Evidenced by their continual support even in the times of my wayward lifestyle).
I have Jesus. This is the trump card. Nothing means nothing without Him.
I have my Church. I know that if everything goes south, if all is lost I can crawl to the front doors of K.B. and have a place to get me back on my feet.
What all this means is, is that I have something. I really do. And it helps to read it; put it on paper and be able to thank God for it. But I have something else that is a bit personal and is somewhat a private treasure: my honesty and my testimony.
If I have to count what counts it would be the integrity of a person. I have been called a lot of things and right now I have a federal system saying I'm one of the worst society has to offer. So it is important to me and for me to be honest and live a life of integrity.
Why?
Because in the end people look at that more than anything else. When they question that it means they question you as a person.
In a world where I have to gain back everything I've lost it is assuring to know I haven't lost the love of my Savior firstly. Secondly it is important that I do not, as the Psalmist wrote, "Walk in the counsel of the wicked, Stand in  the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers."

My Friend Craig T. Priday

I have this really great friend getting ready to come home from prison. The guy is great - means so much to me and the memories I shared with him will last my whole lifetime. I think he's down to like 3 or 4 days and I'm sure he's bouncing off the walls.
I met him through my friend Al. Al saw that I was struggling to witness Christ and live out Christianity in an environment that bred violence and insanity. So he went to Craig T. Priday and asked if Craig T. wouldn't mind giving me advice on how to remain solid for Jesus while trying to survive the madness of Leavenworth.
From that encounter where Craig T. showed just this overwhelming compassion and concern for a struggling believer sparked a friendship that had us together everyday. It started with Bible studies on the yard first thing in the morning. He would teach me some grand philosophical idea and I would encourage him to be a more sympathetic Christian.
It always was so funny hearing C.S. Lewis' ideas roll off the tongue of someone who wouldn't add the "st" in against and would draw out each word with a thick southern Missouri accent. I would giggle under my breath as he pointed out the latest apologetical arguments for substitutionary atonement. And don't get me started on how I'd crack up when we began to study Greek. I never knew there was a Dixie Land, Southern dialect of Greek until I heard the word "diakonos" come from this red bearded friend of mine.
In the winter we moved upstairs to the leather shop and drank hot coffee as we talked about ideas ranging from Biblical language to understanding Augustinian thought. He would encourage me to me more devout in the faith and I would encourage him to extend grace to all people. Those were great times, times I hope to get back as he comes home.
Those days were a great encouragement to me. I know as he transitions after many years in prison he'll see a type of Christianity in the free world so different from what we had in there. He'll witness so much change and there will be some uphill battles he's going to encounter. I hope to be there for him, as he was for me in the most trying of times in my life.